License to Spill Read online

  Did you go yet?

  No, I’m next.

  Break a leg! (Audri, sounding super supportive.)

  Thanks.

  Nervous?

  Trying not to be.

  Good. You’re the best actress I know and… What?… Oh, hold on, Octavia wants to say hi.

  Like a total idiot I said, Okay.

  Hey, Sheridan. (Octavia.) GOOD LUCK!

  My heart stopped. My scalp began to throb.

  Why did you do that? (Audri in the background.)

  Do what? (Octavia to Audri. I swear I could hear her smiling.)

  You just cursed her! (Audri.)

  Oopsie. (Octavia.)

  FLASHBACK OVER.

  I am trying to breathe. How could Audri have been so gullible? How could I? If only I had some sage or—

  Number seventy-nine! (Male voice.)

  Crap.

  Seventy-nine?

  I need to go.

  Go Sheridan. Go!

  Seven! Nine! Seventy-nine.

  Here. I’m here. (As in, here goes nothing.)

  To Be Continued…

  END SCENE.

  November 4th

  Intimacy should be genuine and heartfelt, never calculated. And certainly not motivated by insecurity, a need for validation, or, dare I say, victory. But a Blake-out will promote me from friend with chemistry to girlfriend and I need that. I’ll focus better in school if I know where I stand. Lily will be forced to accept her loss and my family will have another reason to celebrate. Everyone wins.

  So I asked A.J. how one goes about making the first move.

  “What are you, some kind of sex addict?”

  “It’s for a social studies paper. I need a guy’s opinion, that’s all.”

  “Are you asking what is right or what I like?”

  “Aren’t they the same thing?”

  “Rarely.”

  “Fine, what is right?”

  “Girls should never make the first move.”

  “Never?” This meant more waiting, and waiting is another thing that makes me itch.

  “Once you’re in a relationship it’s fine, but never in the beginning,” he said. “Or the guy will think it’s okay to hook up, then bail.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it wasn’t his idea in the first place.”

  “That’s so unfair!”

  A.J. shrugged.

  “How is that different from what you like?”

  “I like when girls make the first move.”

  “Why?”

  “So I can hook up, then bail.”

  “I hate you,” I said, when what I really hated was how hard it is to be a girl.

  One minute later, I texted Blake. He was at the mall and asked if I wanted to meet him there. I wrote back yes, double-brushed my teeth, and decided never to listen to A.J. again.

  Then I emailed my apology letter to Lily. Could I have given it to her at school tomorrow? Perhaps. But I need closure as I am one hyperventilation away from dislodging my tonsils.

  Now I wait.… 94

  The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers.

  —Deepak Chopra

  November 4th

  Blake spritzed some Abercrombie & Fitch cologne and then stepped into the mist.

  “Any more Jagger and Audri sightings?” I asked, dropping makeout hints like breadcrumbs.

  “We haven’t been at school.”

  I scratched my arm. “Good point. But what do you think of their whole, you know, public display of A?”

  He held up a black sweater and considered the brown elbow patches. “Too college professor?”

  “I think it’s kind of sweet.”

  Blake checked the price tag. “Not for 169 bucks.”

  “I mean PDA. Surrendering to the moment, not caring what other people think.”

  He bobbed his head to the blaring music.

  “Blake!”

  “Yeah?”

  “Did you even hear what I said?” I was starting to sound like Grandma Lucy.95 “Let’s get out of here. These pictures of hungry models are starting to depress me.”

  “You’re just as pretty as they are, you know.”

  All of me stopped. As in not just my legs, but my internal organs and brain function too. It was the nicest thing a boy of interest has ever said to me and I thanked him with a hug. He smelled like the store but I didn’t pull away. I pressed closer.

  “Now where?” he asked, detaching.

  “Hey,” a familiar-looking girl said to Blake. “You’re in my brother’s grade, right?”

  “Yep,” Blake said, kind of rudely.

  “I’m Mandy. I asked you about my skirt that time.”

  Blake reached for my hand like he wanted her to know we were together, then he introduced me. I wanted to bounce up and down with delight but tried to appear unfazed, like holding my hand was something he always did.

  “Nice to meet you, Mandy.” I smiled like I wasn’t the least bit threatened by her blondness or their skirt conversation. “You work here?”

  “That obvious, huh?” she said, referring to her precisely cuffed skinny jeans, scrunched denim sleeves, and name tag. “It’s dead today so I’m leaving early. Hashtag Pretty Little Liars marathon.”

  “How good is that show?” she asked Blake, not me.

  “Never seen it.”

  “Yeah, right. Who’s the little liar now?” Mandy said, with a wink and a wave goodbye.

  Blake didn’t wave back. Instead, he asked what I wanted to do next.

  “We could go to J.Crew and say hi to Mike,” I offered.

  Ver? I wanted Mike’s flirting to make Blake jealous. Maybe that would inspire him to make a move.

  “He went home sick.”

  Ten minutes later I spotted Mike at the food court. He was ordering from Wok ’n’ Roll.

  Lily was standing beside him, wearing an ill-fitting man blazer.

  My brain tried to process this shocking turn of events. I felt like the navigation system in Mom’s car when she made a wrong turn.

  Calculating new route… Calculating new route… Calculating new route…

  Then suddenly, everything became clear. Lily and Mike are together. Blake feels betrayed and abandoned. He’s been using me to make them jealous.

  Blake Mach’ed me!

  Were my feelings hurt? They are now. But at the time all I could think was, Our team has to win! So I popped up onto my tippy-toes, clasped my arms around Blake’s argyle scarf, and kissed him right there in the middle of the food court.

  More like a Mach-out than a makeout but I did it.

  How to be adaptable: Take on more of the burden than you think you deserve.

  —Deepak Chopra

  Sunday, November 4, 2012

  Here’s the crazy part. I, Lily Bader-Huffman, just returned from the mall with a 2012 MacBook Air, and that’s not the lead story. This is:

  I was passing J.Crew as Mike was walking out. He was wearing black-framed glasses that didn’t have lenses. He was taking his lunch break and asked if I wanted to hang. I said no.

  “Why not?”

  “Um, because you don’t like me. Because you won’t give me your Friends and Family discount. Because you’re probably happy that Blake stopped talking to me.”

  Mike whipped off his fake glasses. “Blake stopped talking to you?”

  “Like you didn’t know.”

  “I didn’t. He stopped talking to me too.”

  “Sorry to hear that. Good luck with your life. Bye.”

  I had no intention of leaving without the full story, but I didn’t want him to think he could shoot me the stink-eye for five months and get away with it. So I walked away.

  “Wait!” Mike called. “My treat.”

  “I can’t be bought,” I said, wishing this exchange was with Duffy and not my ex-friend’s ex-boyfriend, but I’ll take the groveling where I can get it.

  Mike put his glasses back on and started to cry.r />
  Still, I didn’t want to look like a pushover, so I said I’d have lunch with him if he gave me his blazer. You know, to make up for not sharing his discount. He gave it to me without hesitating and off we went to the food court.

  It wasn’t until we were in line, waiting to order egg rolls, that Mike started to talk.

  “Blake dumped me,” he said.

  “Why?”

  “He wanted a break.”

  “Maybe things were getting too serious,” I tried.

  “Not from me,” Mike sniffled. “From gay.”

  “He wanted a break from being gay?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Can you even do that?”

  “I can’t,” he said.

  The bald man in front of us turned around.

  “What?” Mike snapped at him.

  The man returned his gaze to the noodle displays glistening behind the glass.

  “I can’t just power down when it’s convenient,” Mike said. “This is who I am.”

  Unlike Blake, Mike didn’t seem the least bit ashamed. I liked that.

  “So what do you think it is?”

  “I think he’s met someone else. At Noble. And he doesn’t want to tell me.”

  “I’d know if there was another guy,” I said.

  “Not a guy. That girl,” he hissed. “That… Vanessa.”

  “They’re just friends.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because Blake is gay!”

  Seeing Mike’s tear-filled eyes through lens-less frames was too much to process. I had to look away. That’s when I saw Blake and Vanessa. Kissing by TCBY.

  “No way!” I blurted. Blake was using Vanessa to keep the rumors from spreading around school. And maybe he was pushing Mike and me away because he knew we’d call him out on it. Only instead of being angry, I wanted to curl into fetal and cry. Not just for Mike or Vanessa or Blake. But for anyone who has ever loved someone who couldn’t love them back.

  “What?” Mike asked.

  I blocked his view and muttered something about the high cost of dumplings.

  The sadness stayed with me all though lunch and even while I was buying my laptop. Tragic, since that was supposed to be one of the happiest moments of my life. It was even with me as I began skateboarding home with my giant bag. Which is probably why I didn’t really notice the rain, or the navy blue Audi trailing beside me.

  “Howdy neighbor,” the driver called over the Taylor Swift song blasting at full volume.

  “Hi,” I managed, before dropping my new laptop on the pavement.

  “Is that highlighter on your nails?”

  I nodded, my mouth too dry to speak.

  “And a boy’s blazer?”

  I nodded again.

  “Oh girl, you need some serious help,” she said, “Get in.”

  It was Mandy. I put my stuff in the back seat and jumped in. There was white dog hair on the upholstery, it smelled like Abercrombie perfume, and she kept slamming the brake as she drove. Still, I felt like the luckiest girl in Jersey because I was in the same car that Duffy rides in; same seat!

  She turned onto Foster Avenue and sighed. “This weather seriously bums me out.”

  “I hear ya,” I said, wondering how a cooler person might have responded. Then I angled the heating vent away from my wet curls to keep them from frizzing, and searched for something small to take. A rolled-up piece of duct tape by my shoe was the best option.

  “I just saw your friend,” Mandy said. “The guy. The cute one.”

  “Blake?”

  Saying his name felt like telling a lie.

  “Yeah.” She turned down the stereo. “What’s his status, anyway?”

  “Status?”

  “Gay or straight?”

  “Why?” I asked, suddenly irritated.

  At the time I wasn’t sure why her curiosity bothered me, but now I know. Like Blake, I didn’t want it to matter.

  “He’s always hanging with that guy from J.Crew so I assumed they were a thing. But today it looked like he and Vanessa were into each other so—.”

  “So.”

  “Soooo, I hope I haven’t been spreading the wrong information.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I want to be a professional gossip blogger, so credibility is a big deal. And if I’ve been telling everyone Blake’s gay and he’s not, then I need to post a retraction or something.”

  “Wait, why are you telling anyone anything?”

  “He’s hot, Lily. Girls want to know if he’s OTM.”

  “OTM?”

  She rolled her eyes like I should know. “On The Market.”

  “So you’re why everyone knows?”

  “Yes!” she said, proudly.

  “Not Duffy?”

  “My brother?”

  I nodded yes.

  Mandy jammed the breaks and looked right at me. “Has he been taking the credit?”

  The driver behind us honked his horn.

  “No,” I said. “I just assumed.”

  “No chance,” Mandy said. “Duffy hates gossip. Same with our older sister, Amelia. They’re freaks, I know.” She tapped the gas. We began to move again.

  “I could have sworn it was Duffy!” I said, relieved. “And that he wasn’t talking to me because he felt guilty.”

  “No,” Mandy turned to face me again. “He’s not talking to you because you’re a stalker.”

  I stiffened. “A stalker?”

  I don’t remember how she responded or if she even did. I do know that I managed to wiggle the ball of duct tape out of my shoe and return it to the floorpad without her noticing.

  The moment she dropped me off I ran straight to Blake’s house. Leaving my board, my new laptop, and my pride in Mandy’s car.

  Nov. 5.

  Mother says my “new scent” is fighting with her squash blossoms and tells me to stop wearing it during meals.

  Then Father says, It’s about more than an off-putting smell, Rosemary. It’s about loyalty to the family brand. Daniel should not be wearing a competitor’s cologne.

  I say, Legacy doesn’t make cologne.

  He says the Mini Mavericks can change that. Then he asks how the Mavs are doing lately.

  LIE #52: Fine.

  –I better not find out you’ve been skipping meetings for that… girl. What was her name?

  I forget about LIE #40 and almost say Audri, but Mother saves me by accident.

  –Aunette.

  LIE #53:–We broke up. You were right. She wasn’t that into family.

  This makes them happy. They forget about the cologne.

  After dessert Father gets a text. He has to run to the office. Then Mother’s masseuse comes by for a Rolfing. So I bike to Audri’s because her mom is working late.

  I’ll be back before anyone notices I’m gone.

  Sheridan is there when I show up.

  She is lying on the couch under a blanket with a bag of Smartfood on her lap. Audri is opposite her under the same blanket.

  I sit in the chair by the fireplace and smile like it doesn’t suck.

  They talk about some curse Octavia gave Sheridan. I wonder if that’s what Duffy was talking about at the pet store so I ask if Sheridan passed it on to Audri.

  This makes Sheridan angry.

  –Is that what you’re telling everyone? That I gave it to you?

  –No!

  –Because technically, you gave it to me by putting that witch on the phone.

  –Sher, you’re giving this curse too much power.

  –Tell that to Duffy’s silver ring. Oh, wait, it can’t hear you because it slipped off my finger and landed at the bottom of a sewer.

  Sheridan looks at her phone.

  Stop chexting! Audri says. The audition was yesterday. Give them time.

  Sheridan tosses her phone on the carpet and says, Time for what? To pick someone who isn’t cursed.

  Then, I finally get it. So I say, I get it! Because I do and I
’m proud.

  Audri goes, What do you mean you get it? How do you know about this stuff?

  LIE #54: Guys know more than you think.

  I’m not about to say my family makes T-words for “the curse,” or that I heard it’s contagious when girls hang out together. So I leave it at that.

  But Sheridan and Audri go on and on about it.

  I’m so bored my legs get restless. I change the subject before I lose control and kick in a wall.

  –I saw Duffy at the pet store yesterday, I say.

  Audri glares at me like I just blew up a sack full of kittens.

  –What? What did I say?

  She glares at me harder.

  Sheridan asks if there was a swarm of girls around him.

  Just one, I say. She liked his cologne. Weird thing is, he wasn’t wearing any. I swear that dude is a magnet.

  This makes Sheridan cry.

  Audri says, Jagger!

  –What? I say. Sheridan asked if there was a swarm of girls and there was only one. I thought that would make her happy.

  Then Sheridan says she’s sorry for being so sensitive. She blames the curse because she’s usually not the jealous type.

  I agree and remind them that when the Rosco’s hostess was all over Duffy, Sheridan was cool about it.

  Audri looks at me like I messed up again but Sheridan says she’s glad I recognized her strength. She’s only feeling sensitive because it’s been out of control lately. They can’t even buy a Big Gulp after school without being stopped ten times. She feels like she’s with Kellan friggin’ Lutz. She feels like a groupie. And the worst part is, Duffy’s never tells the girls to go away. It’s like he likes the attention.

  LIE #55: That’s weird.

  –It doesn’t help that my clothes are tight, Sheridan says.

  –They don’t look tight, Audri says.

  –You’re probably bloated, I say. The curse will do that.

  –Seriously, Jagger?

  LIE #56: It’s getting late. I better head back to Randy’s for the night feeding.

  Audri doesn’t try to stop me.

  I leave a message for Randy on my way home.

  I need a sugar glider ASAP.

  (That or a miracle.)

  One hour later I get the miracle.

  Audri texts. She isn’t mad.

  She says things like, I know you were just trying to help and it’s not your fault you think like a guy and next time I’m having a deep conversation with Sheridan I’ll warn you so you can wait until we’re done.

  I want to ask what part of that conversation was deep, but I don’t.