Cliquetionary: The Wit and Wisdom of the Clique Read online

  All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

  Copyright © 1990 by Alloy Entertainment

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without prior written permission of Alloy Entertainment. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), write to permission@alloyentertainment. com. The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

  Produced by Alloy Entertainment

  1325 Avenue of the Americas

  New York, NY 10019

  www.alloyentertainment.com

  Reprint edition 2016

  For the ah-mazing Lanie Davis.

  A walking Cliquetionary.

  CONTENTS

  FOREWORD

  WHICH CLIQUE GIRL ARE YOU?

  CONVERSATIONS WITH THE CLIQUE

  CLIQUE QUOTES

  THE CLIQUE ON BEAUTY

  HEART CHART

  CLIQUE LIT

  MISS UNDERSTOOD

  FOR PRETTY COMMITTEE EYES ONLY

  THE NEW PRETTY COMMITTEE PLEDGE

  BEST-FRIENDS-FOREVER-WITH-CRUSHES PLEDGE

  SOCC-HER’S CHEERS

  QUICK CLIQUE MAKEOVER TIPS

  VACATION 101

  Lake placid

  HEY, ARE YOU A BOOMERANG?

  THEN WHAT’S WITH ALL THE COMEBACKS?

  CLIQUETIONARY

  You know how to walk the walk.

  CLIQUE BOOK TITLE REJECTS

  FOREWORD

  Some people (mostly the young or insane) have an imaginary friend. Well, I have five: Massie, Alicia, Dylan, Kristen, and Claire. Their high-pitched voices and girly giggles resonate inside my head like that post-concert ear-ringing you get from standing too close to the speakers. Only this never fades.

  For years, I have been dressing them, talking to them, listening to them, and laughing with them. I try to teach them life lessons, but they don’t always learn. I fix them up with crushes, yet they’re constantly getting crushed. I remind them to accept themselves, but as we all know, that’s a hard to skill to master. Sometimes I think about everything the Pretty Committee has been through, but all I see is a swirl of colorful book covers. So how does one relive all the good times without rereading every book?

  The Cliquetionary!

  In these pages, I’ve gathered the things I want to remember most from the series. And now I want to share them with you—the real living, breathing girls who inspire me most.

  WHICH CLIQUE GIRL ARE YOU?

  STATE OF THE UNION

  IN OUT

  Knowing where you stand in the Clique Sitting on the sidelines

  Take these quizzes and find out which MOPC * you are most like. Good luck!

  Are you a Claire or a Massie?

  1. Puh-lease! Do you honestly think I haven’t figured this out? I already know that I’m:

  A. Claire

  B. Massie

  C. A total free spirit who can’t be labeled and shoved in a box and I resent you for even trying.

  Oh yeah? Well don’t be so sure! Just take the quiz. You may surprise yourself . . . .

  2. On the first day of school my outfit is always:

  A. Eye-catching and unforgettable. You only have one chance to make a first impression.

  B. Something everyone wants but only I have.

  C. Clean.

  3. My fave sleepover snack is:

  A. I can’t commit. It changes all the time.

  B. Low-fat fro-yo and sugar-free hot chocolate.

  C. Anything that 4 out of 5 dentists would NOT recommend.

  4. Everyone adores me because:

  A. Do you really have to ask? Look at me!

  B. I am more unpredictable than Katy Perry’s outfits.

  C. Uh, correction. Not everyone “adores” me. But some people respect me.

  5. When someone makes me mad I:

  A. Get even.

  B. Unleash my inner drama queen. Everyone should know how I feel at all times.

  C. Plot. Plan. Toss. Turn. And eventually, when the time is right, I go in for the kill.

  6. Here’s the thing about boy/girl parties:

  A. I am sooo ready for this! (Or at least that’s what I’ll tell my friends.)

  B. Boys are party poison. There goes all the fun.

  C. What took so long??? Too many girls in one room can be dangerous.

  7. You’re the new kid at school. What kind of clique do you join?

  A. The popular one, of course. Who cares if they all talk behind my back? It’s better to look good than feel good.

  B. I’d rather fly solo for a while until I meet some quality people.

  C. I usually gravitate toward the dorky cliques. So what if the entire school makes fun of us? At least we have fun.

  8. When it comes to the most popular clique in my school, the only thing harder than getting in is:

  A. Staying in.

  B. Getting away.

  C. Honey, the hard part isn’t getting in, it’s keeping people out.

  Congratulations!

  You are done, done, and done.☺

  Add up all of the M’s, C’s, and L’s you got.

  Total M’s:___ Total C’s:___

  Total L’s: ___

  Okay, ready for the moment of truth and total self-discovery???

  If you got mostly M’s, you’re a MASSIE.

  There, I said it. Now relax—Massie is not half as evil as she seems. In fact, she is clever, funny, witty, and creative. She is an incredibly loyal friend and an animal lover who is often misunderstood. Sound familiar?

  Massie Block’s biggest fear is being alone. When her popularity is threatened she panics. Most of the time she feels so desperate she acts mean to other people. Ironically this pushes them away instead of bringing them closer to her, and she usually ends up worse off than before.

  But she’ll learn . . . hopefully.

  When Massie is not using her creative energy to destroy someone’s life, she is using it for good. She is OCD’s biggest trendsetter. She can make something as common as her father’s old Armani necktie look totally unique by putting her own personal spin on it. Hair band, anyone?

  Hey Massies, here’s a word of advice, whether you want it or not: If you really want people to worship you, next time try killing them with kindness.☺

  If you got mostly C’s, you’re a CLAIRE.

  Claire Lyons has a good heart and she always knows right from wrong. But don’t dust off those angel wings yet, sister. Just because you Claires know what’s right doesn’t mean you always do it. Stooping to other people’s levels is something you have probably done a few more times than you care to admit—I see that guilty smile.

  Is being in really going to make your life easier? Has it so far? Or do you find yourself worrying more about clothes than classes? Because you are so sincere and genuinely ah-dorable, you have the potential to have just as many friends as the Massies, if not more. But that’s never going to happen if you’re wasting time trying to impress the wrong people.

  Hey Claires, here’s a word of advice whether you want it or not: If you really want to be in, stop trying so hard. People do stupid things when they’re desperate, and you’re way too smart for that.

  Okay, so what’s with the L’s?

  If you picked mostly L’s, SURPRISE! You’re a LAYNE.

  And you are soooo over all of this clique business.

  Layne
Abeley doesn’t need a group of fashionable friends to feel important. All she needs is a crazy mismatched outfit and a head of hair streaked with more colors than a Pucci scarf to prove she’s nobody’s wannabe. She has self-confidence, creativity, and strong opinions. She isn’t afraid to stand up for herself and her friends, even if it means spending the rest of her day being ridiculed in the halls. Let them talk! Bad press is better than no press at all, right?

  But Laynes, hear this: Sometimes you take yourselves and your opinions a little too seriously and you end up cutting yourself off from people who are actually a lot cooler than you might think.

  So here’s a word of advice whether you want it or not: Make your point but don’t stab anyone with it.

  Are you an Alicia, a Dylan, or a Kristen?

  1. Your boots were made for:

  A. Walking.

  B. Making everyone jealous.

  C. Making your legs look longer (aka thinner).

  D. Rich people. But you got them on sale. Shhhh!

  2. When the going gets tough, the tough get:

  A. A lawyer and sue!

  B. Going.

  C. Hungry.

  D. Grounded.

  3. You put the b in:

  A. Brains.

  B. Beauty. (And boobs too. Let’s not forget the boobs.)

  C. Body issues.

  D. Being yourself.

  4. What weighs more, a ton of Prada messenger bags or a ton of Hermès scarves?

  A. Um, have you seen my butt lately? I weigh more than a ton of bags and a ton of scarves put together.

  B. Do you honestly expect me to fit all of my bags and all of my scarves on a tiny little scale? Puh-lease!

  C. Gawd! It’s so ah-bvious. They both weigh the same. A ton is a ton. How stupid are you?

  D. I agree with C. A ton is a ton. (But don’t worry. I won’t make you feel bad for not knowing the answer.)

  5. The s in school stands for:

  A. Sports.

  B. Spreading scandals (for gossip points).

  C. Suh-noozer.

  D. Staying out of trouble.

  6. The first thing I do when I walk into a birthday party is:

  A. Burp. It’s the best icebreaker.

  B. Find my BFFs and cling like skinny jeans.

  C. Say hi to the birthday girl.

  D. Slip into the bathroom,

  change into a tight, low-cut tee, and pray my mother doesn’t find out.

  7. Boys adore me because I am:

  A. Hawt! Hawt! Hawt!

  B. The keeper of all fart jokes.

  C. Into sports.

  D. Puh-lease, who knows what boys are thinking? All I know is I ah-dore them.

  Add up all the A’s, D’s, K’s, and Y’s you got.

  Total A’s:___ Total D’s:___

  Total K’s:___ Total Y’s:___

  If you got mostly A’s, you’re an ALICIA.

  Chances are you’ve been spotted on more than one occasion with Teen Vogue in one hand and the latest blend from Sixbucks in the other. You thank Gawd every day that you were born a girl, because a life without accessorizing would be no life at all. So what if you’re not big on sports? You already get plenty of exercise. Shopping is your cardio, carrying bags is your strength training, and zipping up boots is stretching. No wonder you look so ah-dorable in everything you wear.

  Hey Alicias, here’s a word of advice: Take a little time each day to focus on others (gossiping doesn’t count). Once you do, your inner beauty will shine just like your outer beauty. And you will be even hawtter than you already are.

  If you got mostly D’s, you’re a DYLAN.

  You’re the girl who’ll do anything for a laugh: Ask an embarrassing question in sex ed to make your teacher say “penis,” burp on your ex-crush’s answering machine, or dress up as a hairy butt for Halloween (no sexy kitty costumes for you). Nice going! There is nuh-thing cooler than a girl willing to be a goofball in the name of fun. If you’re a true Dylan, your favorite topic is weight. Yours. The good news is, if anyone can make flaws seem funny, it’s you.

  Hey Dylans, here’s a word of advice: A dash of self-deprecating humor can be fun, but when it’s used too much, it can draw negative attention to that one thing you are most self-conscious about. Think about it. If you keep making jokes about your big butt, what do you think people are going to notice every time they see you? Try a little experiment: Don’t put yourself down for one whole day. Not even for a laugh. Nothing negative at all. Pretend you like your body/hair/skin/clothes/grades just the way they are. Then try it a second day, then a third. Eventually, you will notice that if you stop pointing out your flaws, people will stop noticing them. You don’t hear J.Lo whining about her big booty all day long, do you? Come awn! She acts like she had that thing custom-made. Try it. And you may learn to appreciate those quirky things that make you, well, you.

  If you got mostly K’s, you’re a KRISTEN.

  Sister, for someone so smart, you sure can act stooopid. You get ah-mazing grades, and are minutes away from an invite to the Beckhams’ Fourth of July BBQ. But that’s not enough. Noooooo. Instead of appreciating your talents you spend all your time wanting what other people have. Whether it’s money, a boyfriend, or shiny hair, you always feel like everyone else has something better than you.

  Hey Kristens, here’s a word of advice: Look at your friends as a collective—a group of fabulous girls who all bring something different to the table. And learn from each other. So next time one of your math-hating BFFs wants to tear her extensions out because two trains left 30th Street Station at different times and different speeds and she has no idea which one will get to Grand Central first, help her. And maybe she can introduce you to her ah-dorable boyfriend’s ah-dorable cousin. And if she doesn’t, so what? With your brains and that pending BBQ invite, you’ll find your own guy soon enough. (And if it’s shiny hair you want, mix your shampoo with vinegar and rinse. It really works.)

  If you got mostly Y’s, congratulations.

  That means you are perfectly happy being YOU. Now please, help the others, will ya?

  CONVERSATIONS WITH THE CLIQUE

  STATE OF THE UNION

  IN OUT

  Breaking down the Pretty Commitee Breaking down in public

  Name: Massie Block

  Screen name: MASSIEKUR

  Favorite pet: Puh-lease, choosing between Bean and Brownie is like deciding whether to wear my left boot or my right one. Pets are like back-to-school totes—you gotta have two, you know?

  First lip kiss: Easy. Derrington.

  Now tell the truth: Fine, it was Todd Lyons, okay? I was tricked. It was a total apoca-lips.

  Guilty pleasure: Nutz Over Chocolate Luna bars.

  Signature scent: Chanel No. 19.

  I’d never leave the house without: A rating of at least an 8. Oh, and Glossip Girl lip gloss.

  Accessory must: My Tiffany charm bracelet.

  People describe me as a: GEE: Girl Everyone Envies.

  Best friend: Why limit yourself to just one?

  Best known for: Comebacks. Hey, are you a bank loan? Then what’s with all the interest?

  Pet peeve : People who don’t do what I say.

  Favorite designer: Talk to me this spring. You’re only as good as your last collection.

  Dream job: Puh-lease, there’s nothing dreamy about a job.

  Favorite expression(s): “Puh-lease.” “Ehmagawd.” “Ah-mazing.” I love writing State of the Unions. I don’t think they count as an expression, but they’re clever times ten.

  Favorite game: What Would You Rather?

  What’s your style: Trendy-chic.

  Designers you’re currently wearing: Ella Moss, DKNY, BCBG, Lauren Moffatt.

  Name: Alicia Rivera

  Screen name: HOLAGRRL

  Favorite pet: Rabbit-fur earmuffs. Shhh. I told Massie they were fake. What, PETA? I can’t hear you—my earmuffs are on.

  First lip kiss: Josh Hotz. ☺

  Best
friend: Massie Block. And I’m totally hers.

  Best known for: GABB: Gossip and Big Boobs.

  Pet peeve(s): Running. Sweating. When people call me Fannish (fake Spanish).

  Favorite designer: Ralph Lauren.

  Dream job: On-air reporter. The famous kind.

  Favorite expression(s): “Given.” “Point.” I heart you.” “Opposite of yes.”

  Favorite game: Gossip Points.

  What’s your style: Flirty-classic.

  Designers you’re currently wearing: Ralph Lauren, Theory, Ya-Ya, Marc Jacobs, Charlotte Ronson.

  Favorite activity: Dancing at BADS—Body Alive Dance Studio.

  Name: Dylan marvil

  Screen name: BIGREDHEAD

  First lip kiss: Tennis star Brady Erickson. Score? 40–love.

  I’d never leave the house without: A healthy snack.

  People describe me as: Kathy Griffin, only funny, pretty, and not on the D-list.

  Best known for: Red hair. Famous mom. Excess of gas.

  Pet peeve: Girls who pretend they don’t get hungry.

  Favorite designer: It only matters if it flatters.

  Dream job: Food critic.

  Favorite expression: Buuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp!

  Favorite game: Burberry-No-Punchbacks.

  What’s your style: Loud and proud.

  Designers you’re currently wearing: L.A.M.B., Betsey Johnson, Miss Sixty, Alice + Olivia.

  Favorite diet: The stomach flu.

  Name: Kristen Gregory

  Screen name: SEXYSPORTSBABE

  Favorite pet: David Beckham, my cat.

  First lip kiss: Surfer Dune Baxter. Salty ‘n’ sweet.

  Best friend: Depends. Is Massie reading this?

  Best known for: Is it conceited to say “being smart”?

  Pet peeve: When my mom micromanages my minis.

  Dream job: Captain of the U.S. Women’s Soccer Team.

  Favorite expression: “Witty over pretty.” (Even though I’m both. Wait—is that conceited?)