Cliquetionary: The Wit and Wisdom of the Clique Read online

☑ Watches (all kinds. Even Baby G-Shock are okay, Claire. ☺)

  ☒ Brooches are so out. Leave them behind.

  ☑ MASSIE ONLY: Necklaces (as many as the neck can hold)

  Technology

  ☑ Portable DVD player (and charger)

  ☑ Cell phone (and charger)

  ☑ Sidekick (and charger)

  ☑ Video camera (and charger)

  ☑ iPods/iPod shuffle/iPod mini (and charger)

  ☑ Portable speakers (and plug)

  ☑ Bose noise-reduction headphones (extra AAA batteries)

  ☑ Digital camera (and charger)

  ☒ No Game Boys (Antisocial. Besides, boys will have them. Good excuse to talk to them.)

  Lake placid

  MASTER PACKING LIST

  ☑ Flashlight optional (Do they run on betteries? If so, bring betteries.)

  Underwear

  ☑ Socks

  ☑ Bras (ALICIA!)

  ☒ Underwear (no granny panties, Claire ☺)

  Cosmetics

  ☑ Face soap

  ☑ Body soap

  ☑ Deodorant

  ☑ Moisturizer

  ☑ Powder

  ☑ Razor, shaving cream

  ☑ Perfume (one for day/one for night)

  ☑ Q-tips

  ☑ Makeup remover

  ☑ Electric toothbrush

  ☑ Dental floss

  ☑ Toothpaste

  ☑ Mouthwash

  ☑ Tweezers

  ☑ Eyelash curlers

  ☑ Mascara

  ☑ Zit cream

  ☑ Cover-up

  ☑ Visine

  ☑ Nail polish

  (top and base coat, too)

  ☑ Nail-polish remover

  ☑ Nail file

  ☑ Cuticle clipper

  ☑ Eyeliner

  ☑ Eye shadow

  ☑ Blush

  ☑ Lip gloss

  ☑ Lip balm

  ☑ Lipstick

  ☑ Shampoo

  ☑ Conditioner

  ☑ Deep Conditioner

  ☑ Leave-in Conditioner

  ☑ Brush

  ☑ Comb

  ☑ Hair dryer

  ☑ Diffuser

  ☑ Curling iron

  ☑ Flatiron

  ☑ Anti-frizz serum

  ☑ Shine serum

  ☑ Bug spray

  Other

  ☑ Scented candles

  ☑ Magazines

  ☑ Gum (sugar free)

  ☑ Lavender-scented sheet spray

  ☑ Satin blindfolds for sleeping

  ☑ Slippers

  ☑ Bathrobe

  ☑ Shower cap

  HEY, ARE YOU A BOOMERANG?

  Is your sweater collecting unemployment?

  Because it’s nawt working for you.

  THEN WHAT’S WITH ALL THE COMEBACKS?

  STATE OF THE UNION

  IN OUT

  Biting comebacks Choking back tears

  No, why?

  Massie: Isaac, did I ask you to take my temperature?

  Isaac: What? No.

  Massie: Then why are you all up in my butt?

  Massie: Claire, did I invite you to my barbecue?

  Claire: Huh? No. I mean, I don’t know.

  Massie: Then why are you all up in my GRILL?

  Claire: I was just wondering, are you a female dog?

  Massie: What? Why?

  Claire: Because you’re acting like a real BITCH.

  Massie: Claire, do I look like a sled?

  Claire: What? No.

  Massie: Then why are you coming down on me?

  Massie: Do I look like I’m from Moscow?

  Claire: No.

  Massie: Then why do you think I’m good at Russian?

  Massie: Claire, do I look like ET?

  Claire: No.

  Massie: Then why are you pointing the finger at me?

  Massie: Kuh-laire, are you a midget?

  Claire: No.

  Massie: Then get over him!

  Massie: Uh, I thought DVDs weren’t allowed at my sleepovers.

  Alicia: They’re not.

  Massie: Then why am I watching Lady and the Tramp?

  Massie: Nina, am I a used Band-Aid?

  Nina: Uh, no.

  Massie: Then why did you rip me off?

  Massie: Claire, do I spend eight hours a day sitting at a big round desk in the middle of the mall?

  Claire: No.

  Massie: Then why do you think I have the information?

  Massie: Are you a toad?

  Alexandra: No, why?

  Massie: Then why are you acting all horny?

  Massie: Dylan, do I look like a video game?

  Dylan: No.

  Massie: Then why are you playing me?

  Massie: Kristen, are you mad at Alicia?

  Kristen: No, I’m just—

  Massie: Then why does it sound like you want to socc-er?

  Massie: Kuh-laire, are you a zit?

  Claire: No.

  Massie: Then why are you all covered up?

  Massie: Dylan, is my name Dorothy?

  Dylan: Uh, no.

  Massie: Then why did you think Munchkins could help me?

  Massie: Penelope, are you a big boob?

  Penelope: No.

  Massie: Then why are you hanging?

  Massie: Hey, Dylan, are you a cat?

  Dylan: No.

  Massie: Then what’s with the litter?

  Massie: Are you a pyromaniac?

  Claire: No, why?

  Massie: ’Cause you’re playing with fire!

  Massie: Layne, are you made of Saran Wrap?

  Layne: No.

  Massie: Then why are you acting all clingy?

  Massie: Leesh, are you an LBR with a broken leg?

  Alicia: No.

  Massie: Then stop acting like a sore loser and let’s move on.

  Massie: Are you poor?

  Derrington: No, why?

  Massie: Because you’re not making any cents.

  Massie: Todd, did I order coffee?

  Todd: Uh, no.

  Massie: Then why are you all up in my MUG?

  Massie: Am I a vampire?

  Alicia: Huh?

  Massie: Then why are you keeping me in the dark?

  Massie: Alicia, are you a poor dressmaker?

  Alicia: No.

  Massie: Then why are you ripping off my material?

  Massie: Alicia, are you a soccer coach for chickens?

  Alicia: No.

  Massie: Then why are you calling fowl play?

  Massie: Are you a confused woman?

  Derrington: What? No, why?

  Massie: Sorry, you look exactly like someone I know named Miss Taken.

  Massie: Are we in a coma?

  Claire: No, why?

  Massie: Then why do you think we’re going to take this lying down?

  Massie: Derrick, are you having a soccer finals flashback?

  Derrington: What? No, why?

  Massie: Because you seem a little desperate to score.

  Massie: Claire, were your parents lobsters?

  Claire: Uh, no.

  Massie: Then why are you acting so shellfish?

  Massie: Um, are you my favorite Chinese takeout dish?

  Claire: No, why?

  Massie: Then why act all gung ho?

  Massie: Do you work at the American Airlines ticket counter?

  Seventh-grade twin girls: No.

  Massie: Then why are you checking our bags?

  Massie: Are you an actor?

  Derrington: Huh?

  Massie: I heard you were gonna be in a trailer!

  Massie: Claire, do you work at a grocery store?

  Claire: Huh? No.

  Massie: Then why are you checking me out?

  Massie: Skye, are you a Diesel turtleneck poncho?

  Skye: No.

  Massie: Then why are you trying to pull one over on me?

  Massie: Layne, are you a dia
per?

  Layne: No.

  Massie: Then why are you so pissed?

  Massie: Do you have a nut allergy?

  Derrington: No, why?

  Massie: Because your head is starting to swell.

  Derrington: Do you have a towel?

  Massie: No, why?

  Derrington: Because you’re all washed up.

  Massie: Are you a sweater set?

  Derrington: No, why?

  Massie: Because you’ve just met your match.

  Derrington: Are you Will Ferrell?

  Massie: No, why?

  Derrington: Then don’t make me laugh.

  Massie: Are you a calendar?

  Derrington: No, why?

  Massie: Because your days are numbered.

  Massie: Um, are you the OCD Sirens’ goalie?

  Kristen: No! I’m the captain.

  Massie: Then why are you trying to block my shot?

  Massie: Um, Alicia, are you on the track team?

  Alicia: No.

  Massie: Then why are you trying to run with this?

  Massie: Um, Ripple, are you asleep?

  Ripple: No. Why?

  Massie: Then why are you dreaming?

  Massie: Ellie, are you a nocturnal mammal?

  Elite: No.

  Massie: Then why are you badgering me?

  Massie: Do you have violent tendencies?

  Olivia: No.

  Massie: Then why were you hitting on Cam Fisher?

  Massie: Um, Kristen, are you an astronaut?

  Kristen: No, why?

  Massie: Then why are you spacing?

  Massie: Um, Alicia, is my name V?

  Alicia: No.

  Massie: Then why would I follow U!?

  CLIQUETIONARY

  STATE OF THE UNION

  IN OUT

  Cliquetionary English

  You know how to walk the walk.

  A

  ADD abbreviation,

  noun ’ā-’dē-’dē

  Abner Doubleday Day, Westchesters public sch-ew-l. E.g., Alicia checked over her shoulder, leaned forward, and whispered, “ADD is full of juvenile delinquents who steal your lunch, then force you to buy it back for a hundred dollars.” Dial L for Loser

  ADM interjection ’ȯ-’dā-’em

  Ay dios mío, Spanish version of ehmagawd and preferred term of the Fannish. (see also: Ehmagawd, Fannish) E.g., “ADM.” Nina pretended to barf in her mouth, a gesture Alicia would have found funny if the situation weren’t so dire. Clique Summer Collection: Alicia

  Ah-dorable adjective

  ə-’dȯr-ə-bəl

  A super-adorable alternative spelling of adorable. E.g., The natural wave in Chris Abeley’s thick hair was mussed to perfection, creating that accidental ah-dorableness products like Bed Head strive to capture. Sealed with a Diss

  Alpha adjective, noun ’al-fə

  1. Noun. First letter of Greek alphabet.

  2. Noun. Undisputed leader, usually worshipped by betas, LBRS, and more.

  3. Adjective. Desirable quality. E.g., It’s alpha to have a bunch of ex-crushes. It shows you have experience. Bratfest at Tiffany’s

  Apple-C interjection ’a-pəl-’sē

  The shortcut for copy on a Mac. You say it when someone is copying you or says something at the same time as you do. It’s like jinx, but better. E.g., “Jinx is so second grade,” Alicia explained. “We’re all about apple-C now.” Dial L for Loser

  ATM-challenged adjective

  ’ā-’tē-’em-’cha-lənj-ede

  Without access to excessive cash flow. E.g., It was unfair to dismiss her crush just because he was ATM-challenged. Clique Summer Collection: Kristen

  Ay-sap abbreviation ’āy -’sap

  Alternate spelling of ASAP (as soon as possible), aka the speed at which alphas need things done. E.g., “Please report to the makeup trailer.” Stella crossed something off her list. “Gina wants you to pick up your dog ay-sap. He just peed all over her brushes.” Dial L for Loser

  But can you tawk the tawk?

  B

  BADS abbreviation,

  noun ’badz

  Body Alive Dance Studio, owned by Skye Hamilton’s parents. Best studio in town, location of Alicia’s most alpha moments. E.g., Alicia lived for Thursdays at 4:30 p.m. She craved the clean lemony smell of BADS’ wood floors and felt reborn the second she inhaled the clean crisp air that hummed from the ceiling vents. She loved being surrounded by mirrors and pretending that she was a professional dancer in a music video. But the main reason Alicia took modern jazz lessons was because Massie Block didn’t. And that meant every week, for one whole hour, Alicia Rivera was the most popular girl in the room. Revenge of the Wannabes

  Beta noun ’bā-tə

  Follower or second-in-command; nonalpha. E.g., Alicia missed her old best friends. She longed to be a beta again, to spread gossip, not instigate it, and regretted ever thinking she could be a better alpha than Massie. But it was too late to turn back now. She had Faux-livia, Strawberry, and Kori now. And they needed her. Revenge of the Wannabes

  BFF abbreviation ’bē-’ef-’ef

  1. Best Friends Forever.

  2. Boy Fast Forever (see also: Boy fast).

  3. Best Friends First. E.g., “From this moment awn. BFF will have a new meaning. Starting now it will stand for Best Friends FIRST. This year is going to be all about us, and only us. Boys. Are. Out.” Bratfest at Tiffany’s

  Boy fast noun ’boi-’fast

  The denunciation of all crushes. No flirting. No texting. No nothing. A state where boys are over. E.g., The Pretty Committee is now the New Pretty Committee because we are on a boy fast. We aren’t all wed to hangout With boys anymore because boys make girls do stupid things and we don’t want to act stupid anymore. Bratfest at Tiffany’s

  Burberry-No-Punchbacks

  phrase ’bər-b(ə-)

  rē-’nō-’pənch’baks

  An ah-mazing game where the first person to spot someone wearing Burberry gets to punch whomever they want, as hard as they want. E.g., “Burberry poncho, no punchbacks!” Alicia said as a girl shrouded in what looked like a horse blanket rolled her eyes and sped past them. The Clique

  C

  C-cups noun ’sē-’kəps

  Alicia’s larger-than-average bra size. E.g., “Let’s go to Victoria’s Secret,” Alicia said. “I need a new br—” She crossed her arms over her C-cups. “I need some things.” The Pretty Committee Strikes Back

  C-minus noun ’sē-’mī-nəs

  Without a crush, usually associated with LBRs who can’t find love. E.g., “Point.” Alicia lifted her finger in support of Dylan. “I have Josh, Claire has Cam, Massie has Dempsey, and you have Dune. Dylan is the only C-minus. She needs all the help she can get.” P.S. I Loathe You

  C-plus noun ’sē-’pləs

  With a crush. E.g., Dempsey was more than just a wannabe actor who’d lost weight over the summer, invested in contacts, tanned evenly, dressed like a rugged safari guide, and steeped himself in African culture, thereby enriching his soul and broadening his global perspective—he was soccerlicious! Kristen could now see why Massie and Layne had picked him as their C-plus. P.S. I Loathe You

  CLAM abbreviation,

  noun ’klam

  A hawt boy with the following desirable traits: Cute, Loyal, Athletic, and Middle-class. E.g., Dune grinned, like he was thanking her for being smart enough to have scored a summer job tutoring his younger sister, Ripple, so they could meet and become C-pluses. Well at least that’s what she liked to believe his grin was saying.

  “You’re welcome,” Kristen mouthed back. “Thanks for being a CLAM,” she whispered to her cute, loyal, athletic, middle-class crush. P.S. I Loathe You

  D

  Dixon noun’dik-sən

  An article of clothing that can be worn fifty-eight ways; looks like a black mesh tube top. E.g., Alicia was wearing a blue satin capsleeve blouse, gray velvet pants, and square-toed bo
ots; her Dixon stretched across her shoulders like a shrug. She felt ridiculously overdressed compared to Massie. Revenge of the Wannabes

  E

  Ehmagawd interjection

  ehmagawd

  What you say when you can not not nawt believe what’s happening, or you’re so excited you want to pee yourself but can’t, so you say, Ehmagawd! E.g., “Wait! Skye is giving the pajamas back,” Dylan announced like a sportscaster. “Now she’s shaking her head, and reaching into her stone-colored Juicy Couture Sienna bag, and pulling out . . . a gold envelope . . . She’s handing it to Tiny Nathan . . . no Todd . . . no Tiny Nathan . . . no, she’s taking it back, teasing them . . . and . . . Ehmagawd . . . she’s making them cross their hearts and hope to die. . . . Now she’s . . . EW! She’s giving them each a . . . EWWWWWW! A kiss!” It’s Not Easy Being Mean

  ESP abbreviation,

  noun ’ē-’es-’pē

  1. Mind reading via the use of a sixth sense.

  2. Emotional Sensitivity Powwows that teach emotionally illiterate men (and convicts) how to tune into their thoughts and translate them into feelings. E.g., Without the wisdom of ESP, hawt boys were to her like Kryptonite was to Superman. Sealed with a Diss

  EW abbreviation,

  adjective, noun ü

  1. Noun. Eternal Wannabe. E.g., “Face it, Alicia, you are an Eternal Wannabe, or EW, as I like to call them.” Revenge of the Wannabes

  2. Adjective. Extremely Wearable. E.g., “EW means I love it. It stands for . . .” Claire paused for a moment. “Extra wacky? Extremely woeful? Ever-so-wrong? . . . Extremely Wearable.” Clique Summer Collection: Claire

  3. Adjective. Extremely Westchester. E.g., “I knew you changed.” Amandy jumped off the dock. She shielded her eyes from the sun and scowled. “You’ve become totally EW! Extremely Westchester!” Clique Summer Collection: Claire

  4. Adjective. Eight-worthy, deserving of an eight out of ten for an outfit or beauty pageant score. E.g., Amandy did a great job of showing the effects of global warming by prancing gaily like a deer in love. Then, as her medley of classical songs took a dark and stormy turn, she began stomping like acid rain, thrashing like tidal waves, and choking like the Earth’s innocent inhabitants. Then she spiraled to her death like she was sliding down a giant corkscrew. It was an EW performance. Totally eightworthy. Clique Summer Collection: Claire